because this is how i am starting to think

by vaarloek

sometimes i find myself thinking in english

i’ve written several posts in english, in my head

it’s hard not to be affected/infected, i mean;

it’s everywhere, all around me: the language i communicate in on an everyday basis, the books i read, the articles i read, the papers i write, the lectures i attend. sometimes i think english is easier even. things don’t sound the same way. i can stumble upon an english phrase that i like, that i think i’ll use somewhere, but then it just evaporates when i try to translate it. sometimes it’s the other way around too, of course. but mostly it’s not. mostly i’ll find myself on long bus rides, on the mrt, waiting for something, and i’ll start writing in my mind, describe what i’m seeing, the people, the places, the smells. i’ll write it and think hey, this sounds good! only to realise that i don’t write in english, that it’s not my language. in english i feel i sometimes lose myself. i lose my name. it changes. i lose my language. it becomes secondary. if only for a short while, for two more months, i can still feel it happening. i absorb too much, i’m like a sponge. whatever fits, i’ll adjust. on some level i’m not the same person, from time to time i change. the english me differs somehow from the norwegian me. i can’t say exactly where or when or why, but there is difference. i can feel myself becoming layered, one layer on top of the other, like a pandan cake i’ll have a thousand before i’m done. thousand layers. and i’ll never remember which layer was the original me, if there ever existed one. if we’ve ever been original anything. maybe as just babies crying for comfort, maybe that’s the only original state. anything after becomes multiple; personalities, interests, point of views.

like how we differ our language, even within the language we differ. and in another language, we find ourselves again, and lose ourselves, and find ourselves, and lose …

i think. truth is impossible. layers and contradictions are what we are. if we have an essence, this is it.